Valentine’s Day, with its focus on romantic love, can be challenging for those who have lost partners or other dear ones. Even when there is no special memory associated with the day, the promotional hype of the media can worm its way into one’s consciousness and intensify feelings of loss.
Below are my 2 best tips for getting out of the Lost Love Blues. Although I focus on Valentine’s Day, they apply to any difficult occasion e.g. birthdays, anniversaries and other memorable event dates.
1. Allow Your Feelings
Allowing your feelings to flow may seem like a risky proposition but is vital to your health. Loss triggers a survival response in the body. Chemicals are released to prepare the body to fight, flee or freeze. Allowing emotions to flow will help clear out emotional energy that may be trapped in the body. When the energy is not released, when it is tamped down or held back, it not only takes a lot of energy, it also lowers the immune system.
Often the initial response to sadness is avoidance. We stay home, avert our eyes and try to ignore the day. What you resist persists! Release your feelings and you will actually feel better.
Set aside some time and space to sit with your feelings.
When you focus on the sensations of your feelings and observe them without interpreting or trying to change them, the body will release the emotional energy in 2 minutes or less.
For specific instructions, download my Stress Release Body Scan audio HERE. It will guide you through the process.
2. Change The Story
The thoughts we have around Valentine’s Day or any special day have a huge impact on our emotions. Hopeless, helpless, powerless thoughts will create a fear response. For example, thinking about how we will never have another partner, or how much we miss our partner, or that we are too old, nobody cares, we are no longer lovable, etc. can leave us feeling pretty miserable.
Changing how we think can make a big difference in our emotional response.
Here are some new stories to try out:
a. Grief Is a Measure of How Much We Love
Love always comes with the possibility of loss. It is the nature of life. The saying goes: It is much better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. That may be hard to accept when you feel overwhelmed with sorrow. However, if you can change your story to HOW MUCH YOU LOVE and interpret your sorrow as EVIDENCE, you can actually enjoy your sadness. Sadness becomes the measure of your love. When emotions flow there is not much difference between love and sorrow. They both open the heart.
Welcome your feelings. Invite them. Intensify them. Bring out old photographs, letters and special gifts from your loved one. Remember the good times with appreciation. Imagine that your loved one is with you sharing your memories. Feel the love, feel gratitude.
Relish your tears.
One of my clients spent a year revisiting all the places in Europe that she had been with her husband. She brought along some of his ashes and talked with him about their time together. This processes enabled her feelings to flow and her grief to heal. When she came back from that journey she was ready to start a new life.
b. Love Yourself Day
With your loved one gone, you must assume the role of lover yourself. When we love ourselves we attract the love of others.
You may not feel like receiving love, but your body needs it. Be good to your body.
Send yourself a Valentine’s Day card listing all the things you appreciate about yourself. Buy yourself some flowers and take yourself to the movies or dinner. Enjoy a hot tub surrounded by candles, gentle music and aromatic bath salts. The body loves to be pampered. This will counter-act any negativity that might be triggered by the day.
c. Love Everyone Day
Remember those punch-out Valentines cards we addressed to everyone in our grade school class? Remember making a special Valentine’s Day card for mom and dad? Valentine’s Day is about sharing love with everyone, not just spouses or lovers. Share your love with family, friends, co-workers and the people on the street. Isn’t that what this world needs now?
We are social animals. That is why loss triggers a survival response.
When a significant bond is broken, we need the support of our community more than ever.
Invite friends or family to join you in your memory love fest — those who knew your lost loved one or those with losses of their own. Eat delicious food, play funny movies, cry, laugh and share lots of hugs.
d. Love LOVE Day
Celebrate love — the bigger love, divine love. Play the Beatle song: All You Need is Love! Watch the movie The Yellow Submarine and chase away the Blue Meanies with love. The more love you give out, the more you will receive.
If you are feeling alone, isolated, unloved, remember the times when you were loved. Invite in the memory of loving family and friends. Have an imaginary dialogue. The body believes what your brain tells it.
When you have no one near to call upon, share your love with those less fortunate. This is a tried and true spirit booster. When you give to others, you actually feel better.
In every moment we have the choice to be in fear or in love.
When you are struggling, it can be hard to believe in choices. Go slowly with tenderness and compassion. Inside of most of us is a wounded child that only wants love. When we are young we need our parents’ love to survive. As adults we can take care of ourselves. Love is universally available. With practice, the choice gets easier.
Hugs!
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